We Know Where You Live

Butch up!

In Don Dissociate, Uncategorized on April 27, 2009 at 7:28 pm

I was informed last week by this gentleman that the effeminate will not inherit God’s kingdom. No, its not enough simply being straight these days; any man or boy who has not soundly rejected every trait, characteristic, manner and behavior that might inadvertently remind God of women does so at the risk of his eternal soul.

To make matters worse, the sorts of characteristic considered effeminate vary over time and across cultures. While there’s no telling whose rules God expects us to follow, that ambiguity does leave room for a few loopholes. I implore you, my brothers, to either destroy or re-appropriate all potentially feminine characteristics before it’s too late.

Here’s a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.


1. Cologne, scented shampoos or body wash

Can you seriously afford to stand before God and admit you love to smell pretty for $70 a bottle?

What can be done?: Congress passes a law banning the sale of perfumed products to women. It may also be prudent to prevent them from bathing but once a week. In time, smelling nice will be exclusively associated with masculinity, and women will be referred to only as the “smelly ones” if they are referred to at all.

Conclusion: with our %79 male majority in Congress, this seems like a lay-up.

2. Empathy


Think long and hard about your immortal soul next time you cry at the end of Jerry Maguire.

What can be done?: Reclaiming empathy as a masculine quality will be trickier than you think. Giving a crap how another person feels means less preoccupation with ourselves. And, next thing you know our kids can’t play smear the queer in their backyards, and we can’t post nudes of our ex-girlfriends online. Videogames of many sorts are also out of the question.

Conclusion: Best to just rid ourselves of empathy altogether. It really takes the fun out of dominance.

3. Dancing

waltz bootyd11

A man dances only when bullets are shot at his feet. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a queer in need of some instructive smearing.

What can be done?: Already in motion! Over the years the art of dance has devolved from complex maneuvers in elegant ballrooms to standing still, smacking our groins against the backsides of women whose faces we never have to see sober.

One notable exception – the end-zone dance (see: Dominance).

Solution: Don’t worry, gentlemen. We’ve got this.



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